Queue The Scrolling Titles: It's Time for some Exposition

Hey there readers, its time for a real post (and there was much rejoicing).  Anyways, lets start at the beginning, and by the beginning, I mean about a year ago.  Ever heard of the Freshman 15? Yes.  Well lets multiply that by about 3, and then, in our minds, lets add that weight on to a person.  Who? you guessed it, me!  Nothing tastes better than Panda Express at 2AM, and why not garnish that with a 6 pack of beer!  Its Scrumdidilyumptious, and also jam packed with Calories, MSG, and Shame!  Suffice it to say, I gained a lot of weight.  A lot, in fact it was 319 lbs.  As much as I love big fluffy forest creatures (i.e Bears) I don't enjoy weighing as much as one.  New scene: Enter an Angel: this angel being my Aunt.  She tells me about this wonderful system called weight watchers (Charles Barkley got nothing on me!).  With the financial backing of some lovely grandparents, I joined it.  Now to be fair, I didn't follow the program to a T, but I did lose a good amount of weight, over 50.  Enter the problem: I left weight watchers, and boy did those cheeseburgers taste better after that.  But, as your local Doctor can tell you, overeating is bad.  I have promptly gained most of that weight back, and am currently sitting a little under 300 (Great Movie, not so great feeling).  Any who, I've decided to make a change, and I'd like to call this OPERATION BANE (The blog title makes sense now).  You may be wondering what it stands for, well boys and girls, I'll tell ya.
BAD
ASS
NEW
EXISTENCE

Now that sounds like fun right? right?  It is for the most part, but oh how I will miss the pasta!  This new system will help me better my life.  I am going to Lose Weight, stop feeling sad all the time, and get a better life.  Better yet, I'm gonna tell you how I do it. fun fun fun.